Happy Mother's Day

To My First Best Friend:

I am so grateful to have you as my mama. "Thank you" doesn't seem like enough when it comes to all that you do. You are the most selfless woman I know. Thank you for teaching me to find beauty in everything that comes across my path. Thank you for teaching me to love. Thank you for loving the Lord and guiding me back to him when I strayed. Thank you for being my shoulder, my listening ear, my secret keeper, and my very best friend.  I hope I am half the mother you are one day. I love you forever. 

xoxo

g r a t e f u l.

In response to the trials that have recently presented themselves, I find myself focusing on all the beautiful things that surround my life on a daily basis. Between our family, friends, church, and some much needed Vitamin D we have a lot to be thankful for.
We are beyond grateful for the outpour of love we have received this past week. Small acts of kindness speaks volumes. 

& of course I am super grateful for this handsome man.

breaking the silence.

Chris & I found out that we were expecting in mid-April. We weren't trying or avoiding just letting God make the decisions...and let me tell you,  we were beyond ecstatic with the decision our heavenly father made. After a week of excitement my world came crashing down as I started spotting. The spotting eventually became bleeding. We went to the ER and they could tell us nothing--we left with a 50/50 chance of a viable pregnancy. My husband who has been my rock through this whole process claimed that "our baby was perfect and fine" while I on the other hand, clung to everything but my faith. He was glass half full and I was glass half empty. 

After an excruciating weekend of not knowing what was going on I went to my doctor and was told I was having an ectopic pregnancy and would most likely need surgery. I was then rushed to the ER with tears burning my cheeks and a grief that consumed me. My husband refused to believe this news and continued to tell me the doctors were wrong. After many hours and various tests I was told I lost my baby. Relief set in that I wasn't having an ectopic pregnancy--then guilt, for feeling relieved. Then I welcomed shock and convinced the entire world that I was doing great! And finally, reality knocked on my door and let itself in and has decided to stay awhile.

Chris & I are still grieving together. We have found a deeper love for one another that is unexplainable. Our hearts still ache for that sweet baby we so looked forward to meeting. We serve a Great God. I will stand by that. I found a faith in myself I didn't know was possible. I know God works everything together for good. I am able to find peace among uncertainty, grief, and heart-wrenching sadness. This is not a strength I developed on my own--my heavenly father has supplied it and for that I am so grateful.


I have been torn on whether I should post this or not because this is such a raw wound. Not to mention the personal factor--finding the line between my personal life and this blog can be difficult. However, this little corner of the internet is about my life, an outlet of sorts, and now the loss of my baby is a very real part of me and always will be.

get inspired.

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First things first—I am about 3 finals from being a grad school dropout.  Seriously. After deciding law school was not for me—I decided to go back for a master’s in teaching. Well, I don’t think that is for me either. However, with a wasted semester of grad school,  I think I have figured things out a bit.

I recently mentioned I was switching jobs. What I didn’t mention is that my new job is a dream. I am working for a social marketing firm. I get paid to go on facebook, twitter, pinterest and blog. WHAAAAT. not kidding. this job exists. I update clients facebook/twitters/etc daily. I get a chance to write about various topics of my choice for the most part. I never considered taking a job in writing it’s always been more of hobby (grammar is far from my strong point!). Decisions have been made -- I will be taking some time off of school and reevaluating what I want to get my masters degree in. I definitely plan on going back, I just want to be sure it is for something I am truly passionate about.  

That brings me to part two of this post. It's cheesy so bare with me--
Sometimes dreams change and that is okay. Regardless if they are our lifetime dreams or a new dream we can not forget to chase them. If we give up our inspiration, we give up a part of who we are. I know this first hand because I was on the verge of settling for the aspect of "comfort". I believe the most beautiful things come from a place far away from our comfort zone.

I know this is rambling-heavy-heart post but who knows maybe someone needs a little inspiration this weekend :)
 

 

great weekends.

Weekends like this.. I'll take a hundred more if I can have em. 

Chris & I spent the weekend with some of our favorite friends, Steven & Monique. As usual we spent our time eating..only this time we took a mini road trip down to the beach. The smell of the beach does wonders for this girl. Tomorrow is day 1 at the new job..wish me luck!

OCBD

Hello, my name is Bianca and I am addicted to shopping.

I am not proud of this, but I can't stop.. I recently discovered (thanks to my husband) that I suffer from OCBD:obessive compulsive buying disorder.

With that being said, I would like to give credit where credit is due: 

Pinterest,

You have made my online shopping addiction hit an all time high and I  couldn't be happier with all the wonderful clothing/home decor sites you have brought into my life.

Nordstrom,

You are my forever. I can't afford you but we all have to make sacrifices. You are worth it. You bring out the best in me on the worst of days.

Fellow Bloggers,

Fashion bloggers in particular.. thank you for providing links to all of your cute clothes. It makes it easy to burn through a pay check from the comfort of my own home..what did we do before online shopping?

Here are a few of my recent wants/needs:

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oversized pocket white shirt..where are you?

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these sunnies. need.



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this beauty (different intials) is en route to my house. i caved. check them out on etsy they have simple/fab jewlery!

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nordies.. stop it.

Okay, I am done drooling. Hope all of you loves have a wonderful weekend!

xox,

B.

Hello Monday

Spring has sprung over at the Merrell house.

 Fresh flowers and burning candles  are in tune with the beautiful sunny skies and 80 degree weather.

 I think the much needed Vitamin D got rid of the crazy pale girl who invaded my body recently. Easter was wonderful and such a great reminder of what is truly important, my savior Jesus Christ. I am ashamed to say I take so many of my blessings for granted on a daily basis. I have decided to focus on the beautiful things that surround my life and put aside the stresses of the world. 

Today was a wonderful day and hey it was, Monday! 

 Here are some bits & pieces of lately: 

Hope you had a great Easter with the ones you love most.

xox,

B.