Tuesday, May 27, 2014

the ugly truth about infertility

Definition of Infertility: an inability to get or stay pregnant after a year of trying if you're under 35, or six months if you're older. 
 
I am now an unlucky member of a group that no woman wants to be a part of, a group that is silent and many times overlooked, a group of infertile women. 
 
To all of the wonderful people who are privileged enough to know nothing about this heart wrenching group, please note that my emotions and actions have no logic behind them 99 percent of the time.
 
So...

If I avoid you, it's because I don't feel like crying in public or putting on a fake smile. It's embarrassing and I am trying to hold on to the little bit of self control I have left.
 
If you tell me that it will happen when the time is right, please know that the tiny amount of self control I have left may escape me and who knows what  will come out of my angry, bitter and selfish mouth.
 
If you are not a doctor and even if you are, keep all of your comments about stress, timing, ovulation kits and prayer to yourself. I am currently doing all of the above. 
 
If you are pregnant and I don't seem happy for you, please don't take offense. I am just extremely angry and pissed that it's not me. So yes, jealousy is the word I am looking for here.
 
If you know someone struggling with infertility, don't give up on them. It may seem like the sane person you once knew is lost forever but they are not. They are just buried under a pile of negative pregnancy tests, ovulation kits and baby shower invitations. 

 

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Cabin Fever

Back in October (what!) Chris and I spent a long weekend in Pigeon Forge, TN with some close friends and family. Besides waking up and drinking a hot coffee on the back porch, the highlight of my trip was...go-carts. Not kidding! Chris and I were giggling like little school girls the entire time, which he never would admit to and would probably cringe if he saw this BUT he doesn't read my blog very often sooo... now the entire world wide web knows, Chris giggles. It was so nice to disconnect for a while and enjoy the beautiful outdoors, If I didn't love Nordstrom and hate bugs so much, I could definitely see myself calling a little mountain cabin home, it was truly lovely.









Dear Arby's Guy

I left a revival service at church this week and Chris insisted he needed Arby's...so being the good wife that I am I volunteered to go since he had a couple errands to run before heading home. As I sat through the never-ending line I was having a conversation with my mom regarding the salvation of some family members. And maybe just maybe, I raised my voice a little when I said 'salvation' so the Arby's guy could hear what I was saying. Then it happened, he asked me if I was talking about "pain of salvation" and I kind of chuckled because I had no idea what he meant and I replied "no, I am talking about the plan of salvation, you know...the gospel" then I froze.

 I had just handed out my last track about 10 minutes before. The line was long behind me so without another word, I grabbed my bag and drove off. The entire way home, I considered turning around to go ask the Arby's guy about the status of his soul. Was he saved? Did he know Jesus Christ? But...I didn't. It was late, I had to work the next day, you know how it goes.

Arby's Guy,

I am sorry, I didn't have a track with the plan of salvation to give to you. I should have turned around and went back, because your soul and eternity is important. The truth is you probably didn't think twice about our conversation but days later, it's still heavy on my heart. Next time, I will have a track and the courage I need to talk to you and the many others that need it about the greatest gift.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Life Lately...

My sweet valentine gift.. I may have jumped up and down! 
 

Chris turns 24! We celebrated at the beach, it was lovely and way too chilly for these floridians.

Bunny ears live on...


Pottery painting makes for the perfect Friday afternoon.

Monday, February 24, 2014

The Real Reason

My job requires a lot of writing, thinking and creativity in general and this was going to be my next blog post about why I have regrettably ignored my blog. But it's not the real reason. The truth behind my absence is selfish and honestly, I had nothing nice or positive to say. Recording my unhappiness for the whole online world to see just seemed pointless until now. 

As many of you know I got pregnant last April with Chris and I's first child and shortly after we found out the most wonderful news, I miscarried. It was by far one of the largest trials I have faced so far in my life. After losing the baby, Chris and I decided we wanted to try again. Month after month, nothing. In the meantime, it seemed as if everyone around me was announcing that they were expecting. While I dug deep to share joy with many of my friends and church family, every announcement opened up my healing wound a little more and I drew back from friends,  expecting ladies at church and sadly, I questioned God. As you can imagine, this led to a lot of unhappiness. I was missing all of the blessings I was undeservingly receiving. All of my thoughts and energy were focused on getting pregnant. I lost sight of the most important thing in my life, my relationship with God. 

On a Sunday when I needed it most, I sat in a church sermon that focused on Deuteronomy 29:29 The secret things belong unto the Lord our God. That message changed me forever. In the midst of anger, bitterness and longing The Lord got a hold of my heart. I don't know the answer to the "why me" question I have asked so many times but I rest assured my heavenly Father knows and he has a beautiful plan in store, all I have to do is trust in him. 



Thursday, January 2, 2014

730 Days

December 31st marked two years since I said 'I do' to my best friend. We welcomed the new year and celebrated our anniversary tucked away in a booth at one of our favorite restaurants near our first house -- the only way the night could have been better is if it didn't end. 

Chris: Thank you for challenging me and making me a better person each and every day. I wouldn't want to be on this journey called life with anyone else. In the past two years I have learned a lot about compromise, appreciation, loss, happiness and change, but mostly I have learned about true, pure love. I know without a doubt you are my soulmate and my forver. Happy Anniversary, babe. I love you always.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

December, you are truly my favorite.

Just when I thought my college days were behind me... I throw a Christmas party and the cops show up. 
 
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love this time of year. From the twinkly lights to the red cup at Starbucks, I love it all.
 
Earlier this month I decided the best way to celebrate my favorite season was to stuff everyone I love into the same room--so began the party planning. I truly enjoyed every minute of picking out reindeer plates, placing stockings on the mantel and hanging ornaments from my ridiculously large Christmas tree. I don't think you can ever have too many Christmas decorations.

The real magic didn't happen until all of my friends and family walked through the front door. There is nothing better than surrounding yourself with the people you love most. It was the perfect way to start off the Christmas season.

And here we are, December 26th and I am actually not suffering from post-Christmas depression this year. Although there were a few hiccups here and there I have nothing to complain about. This Christmas season was nearly perfect, I am blessed beyond measure. I hope you had the perfect holiday with the ones you love most.
 




 
PS- a cop really did show up to the Christmas extravaganza but only because there were too many cars blocking the road...